it dosent feel real to exist, and that its 2020.
so um, whats up? within me getting a new laptop ive decided that it would be good to revamp my whole, entire, website and life. around Dec. 19,2019 i was so low,[REDACTED]and in general ive just been thinking about this site alot, i no longer feel like a constat state of anxiety has a chokehold, it still does, just not as tight.
2019 was one of the worst years of my life. i want to make 2020 a hell of alot better for my mental state and my adhd, autsim, and ptsd ect..
i also want N and me to become even closer friends, cause i know people sometimes dont talk after highschool now but hes one of the people ive grown closest too and its just i dont want him to abandon me cause..
we homies. oi think hes one of the coolest people i know and i really wanna spend more time with him, and J.
ive also finnaly!! fixed my music page,
i litterally dont fucking know how to embed videos and pairing them up with text, ugh... fucking MESS!!!!
i think the link layout is so much sleeker and more ~OlDw3B~ than the prievious. i feel like now my lifes gonna do good things for me.
also i now have a red/yellow magic deck Ns gonna teach me how to use!!! its nearly 2am i really have to sleep.
i stole some bugs to feed my refrigerator
please note also i am scared of bugs
also ive recently been watching this and oh my god what the fuck
like im not judging but...some of it *cringe*
so uh i feel like an idiot,
a song ive litterally been vibing to for months was not the song name i thought it was.
like im sorry but sometimes all goth songs have very very simular uhh names??
like dead girl, she passed away ect ect. like im vibing tryna look like this
and every time i would type that combination into youtube it would show up and i barely thought anything of it.
today was the first day back to classes.
i so far really like my scedual execpt for one class,
i would personally preferr to drop it tho,
i dont think i would do well.
i found out my numerology numbers today. it was interesting.
11. 8. 8. 9.
i dont know what my stance on religion is. but i belive that i am a fallen angel.
i am in line with metatron and me praying to him he has been helping me. sometimes when i dream i dont get nightmares but i am alone and i am transformed into a bunny.
i am in the flower of life and i cant describe what he is telling me but there is a smell and i reconize the smell. i forgot what i was saying.
im litsening to this.
its good i like it. thanks josh for sending me the shirt :)
The Good Patch Her• Patch:Review, By your's truly
☠ ☹DO NOT BUY☹ ☠ i have terrible pms symptoms and ive bought these terrible $12 fucking bucks patches to help with symptoms.
well they got my money, i feel really cad cause sometimes i think there working and then i just get a bad cramp. ☹
ive been dreaming about him , metatron, my satanic beings and my future with him.
they make me happy.
knife party. its one of the songs that just fucking PROJECTS me into the 7ht demetion.
like i am litterally a fucking cube rn. i love chino omg. also placebo,
i usually dont fucking go for male falsettos but brians vocals are litterally
the fucking t and i cant imagine anything else just LITSEN TO 36 DEGREEZ THX.
satanic beings have been a bit weird,
since im the supream princess of hell or whatever. idk i just have alot of issues w maldaptive daydreams.
lol. but quarintine hasnt been that bad for me, im already a semi neet or whatever
so i kinda enjoy it and how people like now are hardly ever out at night is litterally kinda my dream
minus corona-chan. i wish that like could kinda be like this forever.
also i shouldnt fucking keep doing thesel logs at like 3 am cause yknow.
in my mind me and my lover say i love you then
i wish i was dead. i havent eaten for 7 days.
this & this
my sisters dog killed hopps.
hopps is dead.
i feel so alone and i cant stop crying my baby is dead.
ive decided to take the friends portion out of my links, or just redirect the page as a whole and rework it.
im hurt by what they did but i cant blame them,
we havent been close since later 2018.
ive been a bad friend.
i wish i knew how to have relationships.
i get really jealous when people have happy ones, either friendships, romantic, or family relationships.
i know the whole, 'we accept the love we think we deserve' thing is a meme, but im honestly seriously thinking about it that way,
Ive only really been in toxic and abusive relationships and i struggle to have even normal acquaintances.
i think im going to fall for the 'some people are just designed to be alone, either by nature or nurture' thing because im tired of getting hurt.
im a real person. i have feelings too.
I'm honestly scared, I feel like I don't know how I would be in a relationship.
I would like to think that I'm not but what if I'm one of those people who gets jealous easily.
What if I'm one of those 'pick-me' girls.
What if I don't show enough affection and don't seem interested.
What if I show too much and seem clingy. And I'm embarrassed of my family knowing that I'm dating and judging me, if I do.
unrelated but i find it crazy that 2020 has already fucking ending already.
WHAT THE FUK, also like the weirdest thing,
besides the pandemic ofc, has been thugga disrespecting!!! Andre 3000, like wtf.
I just want friendships where I actually matter to someone.
I go out of my way so much to be helpful and a good friend and it's rarely reciprocated.
Maybe I'm better off being friendless and lonely than constantly being hurt by being a perpetual afterthought in every friend group.
i think I might have an eating disorder
anyway, i think in 2021 my main goal will be to develop more healthy and stable relationships, no more fucking drug addicts sorry not sorry.
i dont need anyone who uses xanxs/heroin in my life anymore.
**EDIT** im taking this off my index but i wanna keep it somewhere so.
➹ ♋︎ · ☾♓☽go back home
My Guardian Angel is Archangel Metatron, The King Himself